Soviet jokes

Soviet jokes (helpful to understanding paranoia etc)

A man walks into a grocery store with a notebook. "Do you have sausage?" "No." He makes a note. "Bread?" "No." He makes another note. "20 years ago, they would have shot you for making notes like that," says a woman waiting in line. "No bullets either," he writes.


Four dogs -- Mexican, American, Polish, Russian -- are discussing their lives. The Mexican dog says, "the servants used to leave meat out for me, but now I have to bark for it." The American dog says, "you have servants in Mexico?" The Polish dog says, "they feed you meat?" The Russian dog says, "they let you bark?"

On hardship and cynicism:

A Frenchman, a Brit, and a Russian are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. The Frenchman says, "they must be French, they're naked and they're eating fruit." The Englishman says, "clearly, they're English; observe how politely the man is offering the woman the fruit." The Russian notes, "they are Russian, of course. They have nothing to wear, nothing to eat, and they think they are in paradise."

The soviet genetic modification experiment:

Brezhnev is driving in a fast car when he is overtaken by a chicken. A race ensues, at last Brezhnev gives up and seeing a nearby Biology Institute with people hanging around the gate smoking, goes to one of them and asks about the chicken. 'That is the result of Soviet genetic engineering' a scientist says proudly. 'But what was the purpose of creating such a chicken?' Brezhnev asks, perplexed. 'We wanted to make a tastier chicken.' 'Is it tastier?' 'No-one ever caught one to find out,' scientist says. 'But we know that the Soviet chicken is the world's fastest.'

Why do KGB men always come in threes? One to write a report, one to read it, and one to check up on the 2 intellectuals.

Mark Jones

An American and a Soviet soldier kill each other and end up at the pearly gates
at the same time. Peter says" well, we have national division in hell as well,
but you may choose where you'd like to go. There is an American hell and a
Russian hell."
American: what's the difference?
Peter: well, in the American hell you have to eat a shovel of shit a day.
Russian: and in Russian hell?
Peter: two shovels of shit.
American: I'll go to American hell.
Russian: well, two shovels of shit, it's not nice, but I was a Russian alive
and I died a Russian and I'll go to Russian hell.
Millenniums later, the same two soldiers end up doing sentry duty at the
checkpoint at the border between American and Russian hell at the same time.
Russian: Hi hi hi! How you doing! Long time no see!
American: Hey! How are you, you look good!
Russian: how is it over there in American hell?
American: oh, one shovel of shit a day, you get used to it. How about Russian
Russian: well, you know how it is, one day there's no shit, the next day no
shovels. . .

M. Klein

"Dear Radio Yerevan: Under communism will we still have money?"

"Dear listener: No, none of that either."

Ken Lawrence

" Under communism we had money but there was nothing to buy, now we have no money and there is lots to buy"

Sam Pawlett